Things I will never do before I die:
*Read Proust
*Climb Everest
*Write a screenplay
*Become the next Bobby Fisher
*Rob a bank (or any financial institution)
*Transform into a Tranny
*Become a Dame
*Become a Billionaire
*Walk to Santa’s House (North Pole)
*Learn Russia (too gangster)
*Live off Charity
*Spend a night in prison
*Call my dad “Pa”
*Work in coal mine and get *mesothelioma
*Move to Japan
*Kiss a camel (not into their spitting habits)
*Mentally beat up Stephen Hawkins
*Become crotchety after age 80 yrs
*Inject Heroin
*Perfect Invisibility
*Invent the automobile
*Speak in tongues
*Save the world
*Start a cult (but I belong to one. lol)
*Become insensitive to suffering
*Become Gay
*Drink myself silly at a pub in Europe
*Grow a beard
*Master the Yo-Yo
*Live for a year in the Sahara Desert
*Confess to a prostitute
*Become a prostitute
*Graffiti a highway bridge (unless commissioned to)
*Come to work drunk
*Own a freaking owl
*Contemplate suicide
*Gamble my shirt
*Invade a small country (or any)
*Demand a ransom (unless it came down to it)
*Proclaim myself Emperor
*Paint someone in tar and feathers
*Light a flatulent (doesn’t apply if I’m on pain meds)
*Cross dress
*Win Nobel Peace Prize
*Overdose
*Understand Hitler
*Race at Monaco
*Live it up in Monaco
*Order a mail order Groom
*Discover the lost city of Atlantis
*See my face on a legitimate bank note
*Be eaten by Cannibals
*Meet Santa
*Start a religion
*Become a Guru
*Settle in Pittsburgh *wince
*Run with wolves
*Become Pope
*Grow a tail
*Take a vow of silence (against my character)
*Live with a hermit
*Become a Buddhist Monk
*Kiss my own lips
*Bankrupt a Vegas Casino (unless I bring rain man with me)
*Make a Cuban cigar
*Fight a duel with a gentleman
*Become immortal
*Play lead in NYC Ballet’s Swan Lake
*Make a pact with the devil
*Travel at warp speed
*Implode
*Run an arms dealership
*End a zombie apocalypse (cause it will happen)
*Memorize an encyclopedia
*Lick anything with electricity
*Become a Meth Head
*Apologize for existing in the world
*Be as good of a seamstress as my Grandma Twiss
*Surpass Einstein
*Become an Olympic Gold Medalist
*Kiss a Shark
*Commit Arson
*Solve a Rubik’s Cube
*Blame God for everything
*Bring back Bambi
*Shoot an animal for sport
*Achieve perfection
*Read as many books as my mom
*Channel lava away from a village
*Un-break a taboo
*Create a clone of myself (bad idea)
*Become a world leader
*Tell the Dalai Lama to “Suck It”
*Become a famous Comedienne
*Work as a Competitive Eater
*Operate an underground railroad
*Get into a fist fight at a bowling alley (unless they started it)
*Say the word toilet w/out Jon giggling.
*Keep a house clean enough to impress Martha Stewart
List continues…
*Climb Everest
*Write a screenplay
*Become the next Bobby Fisher
*Rob a bank (or any financial institution)
*Transform into a Tranny
*Become a Dame
*Become a Billionaire
*Walk to Santa’s House (North Pole)
*Learn Russia (too gangster)
*Live off Charity
*Spend a night in prison
*Call my dad “Pa”
*Work in coal mine and get *mesothelioma
*Move to Japan
*Kiss a camel (not into their spitting habits)
*Mentally beat up Stephen Hawkins
*Become crotchety after age 80 yrs
*Inject Heroin
*Perfect Invisibility
*Invent the automobile
*Speak in tongues
*Save the world
*Start a cult (but I belong to one. lol)
*Become insensitive to suffering
*Become Gay
*Drink myself silly at a pub in Europe
*Grow a beard
*Master the Yo-Yo
*Live for a year in the Sahara Desert
*Confess to a prostitute
*Become a prostitute
*Graffiti a highway bridge (unless commissioned to)
*Come to work drunk
*Own a freaking owl
*Contemplate suicide
*Gamble my shirt
*Invade a small country (or any)
*Demand a ransom (unless it came down to it)
*Proclaim myself Emperor
*Paint someone in tar and feathers
*Light a flatulent (doesn’t apply if I’m on pain meds)
*Win Nobel Peace Prize
*Overdose
*Understand Hitler
*Race at Monaco
*Live it up in Monaco
*Order a mail order Groom
*Discover the lost city of Atlantis
*See my face on a legitimate bank note
*Be eaten by Cannibals
*Meet Santa
*Start a religion
*Become a Guru
*Settle in Pittsburgh *wince
*Run with wolves
*Become Pope
*Grow a tail
*Take a vow of silence (against my character)
*Live with a hermit
*Become a Buddhist Monk
*Kiss my own lips
*Bankrupt a Vegas Casino (unless I bring rain man with me)
*Make a Cuban cigar
*Fight a duel with a gentleman
*Become immortal
*Play lead in NYC Ballet’s Swan Lake
*Make a pact with the devil
*Travel at warp speed
*Implode
*Run an arms dealership
*End a zombie apocalypse (cause it will happen)
*Memorize an encyclopedia
*Lick anything with electricity
*Become a Meth Head
*Apologize for existing in the world
*Be as good of a seamstress as my Grandma Twiss
*Surpass Einstein
*Become an Olympic Gold Medalist
*Kiss a Shark
*Commit Arson
*Solve a Rubik’s Cube
*Blame God for everything
*Bring back Bambi
*Shoot an animal for sport
*Achieve perfection
*Read as many books as my mom
*Channel lava away from a village
*Un-break a taboo
*Create a clone of myself (bad idea)
*Become a world leader
*Tell the Dalai Lama to “Suck It”
*Become a famous Comedienne
*Work as a Competitive Eater
*Operate an underground railroad
*Get into a fist fight at a bowling alley (unless they started it)
*Say the word toilet w/out Jon giggling.
*Keep a house clean enough to impress Martha Stewart
List continues…
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